I have been quiet for a while. Over the last couple of months I have stayed away from twitter and Facebook, and spent most of my spare time at home, avoiding people and life as much as I can. I am no longer a happy introvert. I am an unhappy hermit.
I have PTSD.
It’s very early days – diagnosis is recent. Assessments are being done, what treatments and support will be required are being evaluated. The path to recovery has barely started, but at least now I know there is a path.
So I hang on, between the appalling sleeplessness, the incessant noise in my brain from flashbacks I cannot control, that tight constriction in my gut from the anxiety and fear, the mind numbing worry of how I might cope financially if I have to stop working, and the nerve shredding panic every day as I keep working. My short term memory is non-existent. Processing information and communicating is non-starter. The world appals me.
My brain might as well be deep-fried Gouda. Or perhaps a deep fried mars bar.
It was triggered initially last year, and I was only barely coming to grips with the fact I might need some serious help when events in May this year triggered a whole new episode. Now my thoughts ricochet like a pin ball, backwards and forwards between one shitty memory or other, drenching me in images that leave me shaking like a bad Bond cocktail.
I have never been more grateful for the wonders of modern medicine – the little white pills that are starting to provide some measure of calm in this storm, and oh! the joy of actual sleep. I crave sleep. If I had the choice right now I would curl up under my duvet and sleep through this whole damn thing.
So I hang on. I am not the first to walk this path – there are many (too many) out there who walk, and have walked, this way before me and I tell myself that this is something I can survive, because others have survived before me. This is a land filled with too many shadows, too many ghosts, too many memories that I would rather fling out to the farthest reaches of space and never, ever, have to live with again.
The threads that hold me together right now are not as bare as they sometimes feel. Hope holds on, however worn.
My sons, full of love and care and concern, keep my feet rooted to the earth. My faith keeps a flicker of hope and love alive in my breast. Prayers escape from lips like wisps of smoke, and I try and recall that these are the most precious of all prayers. Friends and family who have coped, and continue to cope, with so much, inspire me: you have such courage, such faith!
For those who have been kind enough to stop by and read this blog for the last few years – thank you, and please be patient with my silence.
I haven’t left. I am not leaving.
“I know that the whole point—the only point—is to find the things that matter, and hold on to them, and fight for them, and refuse to let them go.” ~ Lauren Oliver