I have struggled to blog recently – for the last couple of months the words have been like a vehicle pile-up in my head, a car crash with metal twisted on metal; impenetrable, indistinguishable and indefinable.
In part it is because I was metaphorically smacked between the eyes a while a go; there has been an emotional fall out from that which I had not expected, and have struggled to process. Unsurprisingly, for me anyway, this has in turn had an impact on my health – 2 long bouts of flu and an ear infection which left me in bed nursing a bucket to be sick in.
All of which sounds.. in one sense, I recognise the self pity of my words: in another sense I know how I have struggled with depression for much of my life, and whilst I have done sterling work in the last decade holding it at bay, complacency would be foolish: my good mental health is not something that can ever be left to its own devices.
There was much I wanted to do in the last couple of months: a conference I wanted to attend, declarations I wanted to make, things I wanted to do. Time has not run out on those things of course – there will be other conferences; declarations have their time, all things can be done if you want to do them enough.
Claiming myself, however – being myself, not surrendering who I am, that has been vital in keeping myself mentally healthy. So I will take a deep breath, I will be myself – I will prize out the words and speak them.
And I will not now, nor will I ever, be silenced.